The M0nK's Habit

2004-07-20T08:45:00.000-06:00

'no belief should cost you nothing'

Wow, its been awhile...

The beauty of the Canadian summer is that although the season is short (really, 4 months of great weather) the days are incredibly long. In the last month, my wife and I have watched the sun go down around 11:30 a couple of times driving to Edmonton and back, played golf at 6 in the morning, and have seen more hours of daylight in the yard putting stuff together (sprinklers, fence, etc) than we have in years.

Work is good, work is bad. I keep thinking of a couple of shots I have seen on gapingvoid about quality and effort. Hope I don't screw my people over like that.

Life is not working quite the way I would imagine. My addiction still controls a good chunk of my late nights, and I just can't seem to get around it. I have to soon. I have a child on the way in Dec, and the kid won't need a dad that is this screwed up...

2004-06-14T23:28:00.000-06:00

I turn 38 this fall. I have been spending a little time reflecting on what I have learned (FYI. Not everything in life is learned by watching Star Trek). I have some unfortunate conclusions...

1. People are driven by survival instincts. We are built to want to live. The ultimate thing here to remember is that this means that in the end, people will screw you over when its in their interests. If you don't believe it, give it time, and you will have the joy of experiencing it...

2. Time is irrelevant when referencing growth. I have met a spate of really mature teenagers. Conversely, I have met a flock of idiot 40 year old people. Stupidity is not inversely proportional to time.

3. Grace is frighteningly close to being wasted on us. I don't think we have begun to value it enough.

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-06-08T22:48:00.000-06:00

I get to manage my world at times. I get to hire people I think will do well, and people I like. Every now and then, I get a "request" to interview someone. I had that happen recently. If it does, that usually means "hire this person, please." I had misgivings, but we hired him. Its nice when these things work out. I may never have to write code again....

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-05-29T00:34:00.000-06:00

Growing up is something we think we get done when we hit 20. I am in my late 30's now, and keep thinking that I should restart the process. I have struggled with an addiction for almost 20 years, and I think that I have begun to realize that I am not going to solve it on my own.

I keep thinking that if I can break the cycle, I will be okay. But no matter how long I break the cycle for, I don't get better. Sooner or later, the urge hits and I need relief, so I re-enter the cycle.

Supposedly being smart and relatively successful, I keep thinking that I will eventually change. However, to change requires effort. Today, I am making the effort to avoid the problem. This time I am doing it by blogging. Maybe if I take my mind off the problem (or the cravings in this case), I can start to win.

In the end, I know that as a Christian, I am supposed to rely on Christ in these things, but I do a pretty lousy job of it. So now, I have decided to fill my life with two things: prayer and scripture. We are supposed to "set our minds on things above." Maybe if I fill my life with healthier things (or habits), the self destructive habits will diminish.

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-05-23T01:59:00.000-06:00

Ah, high school....

My 20th high school reunion was this weekend. I thought "Hey, what the heck, I will go." In some ways, I should have thought this through a bit more...these people are still in high school. Especially the ones smoking pot outside and laughing nervously about it. They are not smoking up to get relaxed, they are smoking up to be defiant...too bad the ones they want to defy aren't there...also the ones who were there to meet each other that still think they are too cool for this make me laugh. Its 20 years. You aren't cool or hip anymore. You're nearly 40. Give it up.

The upstart from my point of view was the joy of meeting a woman (I keep on thinking of her as the girl she was 20 years ago) who was a great person to talk to. I thank Tina for really making the weekend.

m0nk.

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-05-11T14:09:00.000-06:00

I changed the name of the blog today to reflect a subtle change in attitude...

I called it the hollow land because I feel that most of the things we do in this life have no meaning, value, or worth. Hollow actions in a land of no meaning...

A friend challenged me on this the other day. He suggested that was a pretty selfish approach to life. I was focused on the negative. Change your attitude.

Okay, but what did he suggest?

We got to talking about the early monastic movement, how people set aside this worlds values for God's values. There is a set that started wearing a homespun robe to signify that they valued nothing outside of godliness. Maybe its a bit pretentious, but we'll go with The Monk's Habit for now...

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-05-10T17:58:00.000-06:00

One fire at a time
I find that most of us are trying to do everything at once. The result is a mediocre soup of stuff that is neither palatable or useful. In my work, I find that I have several people pulling me several different ways at once, meaning that I never do one thing well, but rather that I do several things "ok".

I am trying desparately to change our culture here to let people finish what they started....

Okay, having said that, I gotta go crank some Van Halen

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-04-20T15:47:00.000-06:00

I am a technology geek....

The first computer I worked on was a commodore PET. I have no idea what the specs were.
The first computer I programmed on was an i386 with 2MB of RAM and a humongous harddrive at 10MB
We thought we were the kings when we moved up to 4MB of RAM (cost us an arm and a leg)
The first workstation I owned was an AMD 486-dx-100, with 32 MB of RAM, and 1 GB of harddrive
My current computer is a dual Athlon XP2400 with 1 GB of RAM and about 300 GB of harddrive space
I just bought a USB harddrive (256MB) for moving data. It was $75. I now have more storage around my neck than we had in our house until 6 years ago. I shudder to calculate how much cheaper things are going to get.

2004-04-11T17:32:00.000-06:00

I would really like to get my life back. Right now, work owns my life. I am rather tired of that.

Our friends are now guarding telling us about their pregnancies. Since they know we are having issues there, they feel the need to hide their joy from us. Bless people like Kim and Trev who can get past that and let us inside.

2004-04-01T18:52:00.000-06:00

Ah, sunshine....

I just finished a marathon week long coding session. One guy had the idea, one guy tried it, I debugged it. Just about done now.

I have been considering the difficulty in mixing faith with action. Many people "believe" in or about something. However, they don't follow through well at times. I am one of those folks. I make many decisions to act or not act in certain ways, but I inevitably find myself falling. Paul was right, the flesh is weak. The hard part is realizing that forgiveness still works for people like me. The difficulty now is to break some habits and focus my mind on things above.

m0nK

2004-03-27T00:21:00.000-06:00

'no belief should cost you nothing'

Okay. Everyone, their dog, and their dog's vet has been telling me to go the Passion of the Christ.

Nope, pass, thanks.

First off, I think its really quite cool that someone made a movie about Jesus' sacrifice. And it does get people talking. Exposing people to the story of Christ as its recorded in Scripture is a good thing.

All I can think about is "How much did you pay for your Jesus?"

Somehow a film that is produced and marketed the way this one is just sets off alarm bells in my head. When churches are doing your marketing for you by showing the trailers in church, I get a little creeped out. And Mel, I am glad to see you tell everyone that this is an important story to you. Good. Its the center of my life and most of those I am close to. Mel, could you put your faith in context of other things you have done? When I contextualize your statements about this film in light of past projects, I have cognitive dissonance.

Please, if you have been moved by the film, I think that is good. And I don't have an issue with people seeing it. Its me. I can't go. I would be sitting there thinking about everything but Christ at that moment, and that is not something I want.

th3_m0nK

2004-03-25T23:38:00.000-06:00

umbuntu

It’s not something you learn, like good manners– it’s just there. We call it umbuntu. Umbuntu is a teacher– it tells you everything. It opens you to feel,to see need, to act. If you come to my house, a stranger in need, and I don’t know you from Adam, I will welcome you and offer you water and rest in the shade. Umbuntu compensates for what you lack, and makes you feel a calmness within. It won’t keep you from hate, from rage, whenever you see injustice– but it will let you find it in your heart to forgive and be reconciled.

2004-03-23T22:47:00.000-06:00

I like to compete. I like to win. More than that, I enjoy pitting my skills against another person's and figuring out how to be better. I play squash against my brother in law a lot. He kicks my ass. I have played a lot longer than him, but I have 50 pounds and 7 years on him, so if he starts beating me, I just run into him a few times.

Its good that he is not a competetive jerk. Its sad that I think that we as people are competitive about things that don't matter. Who is better looking, who is richer, who has a nicer car. I want to compete to have people say, "Hey, he's a hell of a guy. Wants nothing but the best for others."

2004-03-22T21:59:00.000-06:00

What would you do to get ahead?

The Cheating Culture: Why More Americans Are Doing Wrong to Get Ahead
David Callahan

I saw this author on Dennis Miller tonight. His supposition is that we as a culture see that things are not fair. Balance is gone, and everyone "does what is right in their own eyes!" (My quote, not his).

I wonder about why we do what we do. We as a culture have questionable motives at the best of times.

More later as a ponder this.

th3_m0nK

2004-03-21T19:40:00.000-06:00

I am having one of those "Aha" moments...

Ezekiel 16:49-50, the prophet addresses the sins of Israel by pointing to the sins of Sodom: "Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food, and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy. Thus they were haughty and committed abominations before Me. Therefore I removed them when I saw it."

Ezekiel clearly links Sodom's judgment -- at least in part -- to the city's pride and luxurious lifestyle, and the inhabitants' refusal to help those in need. I remember Larry King (who was brought up with at least a smattering of Jewish tradition) pointing out to a caller that was ragging on homosexuals that this Sodom was destroyed due to the wickedness of the sexual sin there. Mr King directly denied this, and referred to a verse. Unfortunately, its so long ago that I have to guess that he brought this up.

In the end, the things that we do that disappoint God have less to do with the outward actions than with the inward person. Those actions do indeed grieve God. He lists what He finds objectionable throughout scripture. What causes God to act to judgement is the heart of the people. If the people are arrogant, and care not for the hungry and the hurting, then they have truly left God.

So, when I find people pointing at each other and saying, "I'm better than you because X", I begin to see that arrogance. When I see that we in North America don't care about the starving elsewhere, I see a new Sodom. God has removed people from the face of the Earth before for this.

Something to think about.

I believe Paul echos this in the New Testament, albeit I am unsure where at the moment. He is referencing the fact he could keep all the commands but "Thou shalt not covet...". The outward appearance he could achieve. His heart could not help but break the Law.

2004-03-19T18:40:00.000-06:00

If you have ever read Humphrey Carpenter's book The Inklings, you will begin to understand that there is a different level of awareness that many people live in. Its interesting that despite the fact I work with technically brilliant people, none of us tend to expose the inner workings of our minds to each other the way that Lewis, Tolkien, et al did to each other.

I think in the world that we live in, we should touch and move each other likewise. A concept I read in someone else's blog makes me think that most of us want to be moved, but fear the exposure and risk that moving entails.

I think I will ponder this some more. Being moved by others experience is easy. Being moved by their person and being seems somewhat more difficult.

th3_m0nk

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-03-18T21:40:00.000-06:00

(Hi Tim)....

What is the cost of any faith? Is that dependent on the circumstances or your world? Consider extremism (pick your favorite religion). If you are right next to it, and you aren't the same, you become a target (ATTENTION CHRISTIANS: consider the number of shins kicked in the name of Jesus before you get all righteous feeling...yah!) Conversely, if you are the extreme and those around you aren't, then you are ostracized.

Now, based on my belief that no two peoples' religions are the same, we are all rubbing up against each other (take your mind out of the gutter, really) and effectively pissing each other off. Hey, wanna piss more people off? Go on TV. Grub for a little cash while you are at it...piss off people by the carload.

Corporate religion is mind blowing...we are saying "Hey, we're all different, but we're close enough that it doesn't matter...yet." Schisms will form later as the differences become more pronounced. I think that is what I find cool about being in a place where I experience God while others are. The differences fade in the light of Eternal Glory. The cost there is that I submerge my agenda, my "rules" and all the bullshit I carry with me at the moment where I see Him.

Now that's cool.

New link on the right. Opensource theology. I have NO idea what that is going to be like. I post there as th3_m0nK.

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-03-17T19:54:00.000-06:00

'no belief should cost you nothing'

I find myself thinking about Joy today. I am thinking of CSLewis' concept (see Surprised by Joy). Joy is the action of discovering the indiscoverable, and sharing in it. I am not sure that I am sharing that Joy at all times. I would like to experience God more in my world. I think that is the Joy that is missing. If I would stop missing Him in the daily things, I think that I would see the Joy more.

(addendum)
I wonder if Job experienced joy? In the end, he needed to be corrected by God, but he had the right idea (sort of). At least there was a lot of truth in his words.

There is a blog I have been reading. Its from a guy in the town in Canada where I got my degree. Interesting stuff. Church guy I am putting a link up to the right...seems to be a ring of people there that are somewhat similar in thought to me. I have NO idea how I stumbled into that site. Should check my laptop and machines at work to see if I can pull the history file to figure that one out. Maybe there is a bit of research undone by Saul at U of C....figuring out how we got here from where we don't remember having been.

Its a post modern approach to faith that I am unaccustomed to. Perhaps I am a bit too rigid and dogmatic, although I doubt most people who know me would agree.

2004-03-16T00:34:00.000-06:00

'no belief should cost you nothing'

I don't know where that comes from (external or internal). When I chose a faith, the only cost was the effort of the choice. Now the choice is before me each day. The cost is growing as well. When I do something, its usually pretty intentional (irrespective if people observe that or not). I find the choice is costing me sleep. This is not the fault of the choice. Its the fault of failing to live up to the obligations of that choice. This is not meant as guilt (although that is there). This is disappointment. My disappointment is not with God. My disappointment is with me with respect to God. So, when I act intentionally outside of my perception of God's choice for me, I find that I need to make a choice to return to a course of action consistent with my beliefs.

This is what confuses me about salvation, redemption, and all the other "tions" of Christendom. Our perception as a society seems to indicate that this set of "tions" comes from God's side. As I move through my faith, I find that is becoming less so. The obligations of God are met. My end of the deal is left wanting. The experience of picking up one's cross each day becomes intentional and arduous, more because I hate to expend the effort of knowing that the next day will be the same. The effort is knowing that the experience of the cross is done for me by another, but I am putting Him through it again and again.

2004-03-15T23:14:00.000-06:00

I have to do performance reviews this week and next. Nothing like playing god (small g only) with people. The best part is the politics of this. Keep 'em all happy, 'specially the guys signing the cheques. Forget the effort to get work done and keep others on (in?) line.

'no belief should cost you nothing'

2004-03-15T22:59:00.000-06:00

So, I think I am going to give this a whirl. Public catharsis and all that crap. Frankly, its a place for me to blow off steam, bitch to myself about myself, and put public to my thoughts so I can preview them. Sort of a external social intercourse (or social masterbation, depends on your pov).

New things abound. Maybe this will allow me to focus off on one at a time.

th3_m0nK